What is Failure to Launch Syndrome?

Posted on April 14, 2022 by Matthew Arrington

There are many names given to failure to launch syndrome. You can call it Peter Pan syndrome, boomerang generation, or hikikomori, but it simply means young adults are not being able to make the transition to adulthood, and it is a growing phenomenon amongst them.

Seeking the explanations of the name that failure to launch syndrome is called now, in the US Peter Pan syndrome term came into existence after a young boy who never wanted to grow up. In Japan, hikikomori is a more extreme condition where young individuals are willing to live inside the four walls of their bedroom or go on an exile for years before they even hit their late twenties. There are many people in the society who would like to label these people as “loser,” “dropout,” or “man child,” but no matter what other people have to say to people going through failure to launch syndrome, it is more tangled than the simplistic labels might indicate.

The failure to launch syndrome cases are increasing at a breakneck pace, and according to a survey in the year 2014, many individuals aged between 25-54 were not interested in taking up a job, or they were neither working towards any goal and in the year 2015, the figure increased by 25%.

If you wonder what are the causes of understanding failure to launch syndrome in people. There are dozens of answers lingering around, including the lack of job availability, raising economy or education debt, but the defining feature of this particular syndrome states that it is simply delaying tasks, stalling, or flat-out refusal to run in the rat race of life. There are little to no intentions of earning a decent incoming or contributing financially to the family

What Are The Causes for Failure to Launch Syndrome

The desire to isolate oneself from the world and rely entirely on parents is the simple definition of Peter Pans, but there are many contributing factors for the individual situation, including family trauma, mental health or personal health issues, overparenting, and more. Let us at Forte Strong assess what are the flags that you can as a parent look out for in your child and know if they need help at the early stage.

Helicopter Parenting

A few parents like to hover around their children and provide them with everything that they require right at that point in time. Upon observation, we have noticed that helicopter parents constantly poke their nose in their child’s business and do things for them that their child has the capability to do. Everything parents do for their children is out of concern, but you should not forget that children are great observers. They notice everything. When you, as a parent, are providing them with everything that isn’t even crucial, they develop habits where they become irritable after not receiving what they seek from nature.
While many parents think that how can they be wronged for providing things to their children and making them happy? The point is that you need to understand what is essential for your child and what is not. Due to this reason, in general, many children are afraid to go on a venture alone and think that they can never be successful in life without their parents.

Substance Abuse

Many children are not lucky enough to have a positive family environment; hence, they cannot be blamed for their inability not to do things to lead a successful life. An unhealthy family system is one of the root causes of substance abuse and becoming a Peter Pan. When there is already a family member abusing drugs in the household, adults with failure to launch syndrome can become less noticeable, soaking them deeper into the condition.
As already mentioned, children are very observant, and it does not take time for them to adapt to habits that they regularly see. Young adults suffering from chemical addiction experience diminished cognitive ability and emotional stability. This provides them with a strong urge to stay at their parent’s place.
It is not only the failure of launch syndrome, but anyone suffering from addiction leads a very unmanageable life. There is increased anxiety with each passing day, including emotional turmoil.

Autism & Asperger’s

There is no doubt that even successful adults find the real-life juggling hard at times, but they still hustle their way out, but for many adults, the mere thought of struggling to make a livelihood is daunting. Young adults with autism spectrum, Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), or High Functioning Autism (HSA) often find it extremely hard to transition into hard-working adults.
Young adults on a spectrum are emotionally young according to their chronological age and have very little motivation to try new things in their life; hence they always want to switch back to things that make them comfortable. Apparently, it is behaving in a familiar situation to something, and it gives them power over choosing a frightening life transition.

Mental Illness

People suffering from mental health issues already find it extremely hard to adapt to new changes. Leaving their comfort zone is grippingly scary, even if they desire to lead an independent life. Young adults experiencing depression, anxiety, ADHD, or PTSD are likely to stick to their old schedule and may try to live a different life but show significantly less willingness.

It is hard to say the symptoms people exhibit when they are experiencing failure of launch syndrome because everyone displays a different set of behaviors. But upon observation, the above mentioned are a few of the frequently noticed reasons.

What Are The Common Symptoms of Failure To Launch Syndrome

Many people would like to tag individuals suffering from failure to launch syndrome as “lazy,” but in all honesty, they are struggling in their ways, more than you think they are. There are chances that young adults are able to explain the reason for their struggle, but their problems must be targeted as soon as possible to mitigate their symptoms right on time.

The symptoms can range in intensity and can include the following:
• No aim
• No direction of life
• Shallow motivation
• Narcissism
• Not able to take responsibility
• Having high expectations from people but not able to perform well on their expectations
• Not persistent
• Procrastination
• No stress management ability

How To Handle Failure to Launch Syndrome

A professional in mental health can assist people who are struggling to make the process of transitioning to adulthood and examine the root causes to create essential elements that help them in moving onto the next level. These elements consist of belief in oneself, self-confidence, determination, perseverance, goal setting, and balancing independently-based decision-making while drawing upon external resources.

Here are five forms of therapy to treat the syndrome of failure to launch syndrome:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Develops healthy thought patterns and addresses negative automatic thoughts about increasing responsibilities.
• Acceptance and commitment therapy, including mindfulness training: Can increase your capacity to be in the present moment vs. staying in the past or thinking in the future. It helps identify values and develop concrete steps to achieve the values you matter.
• Biofeedback and Neurofeedback: Helps you identify and alter your physical responses to stress and anxiety, positively impacting how you think and feel.
• Guidance for careers helps find and identify interests while increasing accountability and creating strategies to achieve your educational or work objectives.
• Therapy for families: Addresses the family as a whole and interactions patterns within the family, which will help strengthen relationships and lessen the degree of interdependence.

The primary element in the efficacy of therapy for individuals isn’t the kind of therapy. However, the connection between the counselor and the young adult looking for support. A good therapist listens, comprehends, and helps you become more aware of yourself and is there to assist you in overcoming obstacles and reaching your goals.

When to Seek Help for Failure to Launch

It is draining for the aging parents to take care of their child with failure to launch syndrome, and it puts the child under stress and their parents. Parents of young adults who are wondering about when is the right time to get help for their kids. There are various ways to help your child from failure to launch syndrome.

It is essential to remember that it’s not too late to get out of the rut regardless of how stuck you are. Getting to the root of your child’s problems with their clinical and breaking bad communication patterns and ensuring your child receives the proper treatment so that their brain can be regulated enough to be attentive and take action is how you can overcome the failure to launch syndrome. Forte Strong is a failure to launch syndrome expert, and with our 5 step approach, we aim to connect, discover, coach, challenge, and repeat so that the young adult can build confidence and adapt to new habits steadily.

We also offer opportunities to build self-esteem as well as form a bridge between the outside world and the inner world while building social opportunities to develop social skills and establish healthy relationships. Offering proper assistance in establishing time management and organizational routines to assist in the shift to living more autonomously, we help young adults manage the various aspects of life.

3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 4

Posted on May 1, 2013July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Last week, in Part 3 of our series “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” we discussed the 2nd “E” factor: Engagement. We also talked about the 3 c’s that are absolutely instrumental in keeping your son engaged. In Part 4 of this series we will talk about the 3rd “E” factor: Education. Education ranks #3 on our list and for good reason, because if you can master the first two “E” factors (Environment & Engagement) you’re already winning the war against failure to launch. However, incorporating Education into your battle strategy can help you ensure victory. With that said, let’s talk about Education.

The most important ingredient in a great education

The most important and an essential ingredient to a good education would undoubtedly be a great teacher, wouldn’t you agree? But wait you ask, isn’t the curriculum the most important part? The answer is no. Yes, a great curriculum is extremely important and yes it’s also an essential part of learning, but a great curriculum has little to no impact without a great teacher! It should come as no surprise that for the last 70 plus years studies have consistently shown that teachers are the number one reason why a student or classroom will either succeed or fail regardless of the curriculum or educational model used. If you don’t believe me, listen to Camilla Benbow who is the dean of one of the top-ranked education schools in the entire country.

‘Of those elements that are within the control of schools, teachers are the most important determinant of how much students achieve. Family and personal attributes of students have the greatest effect on achievement. But among the elements of schooling that promote performance, teachers have the most impact by far.’ -Benbow

The right teacher is the key, especially with failure to launch syndrome

Yes, the teacher makes all the difference and guess who the teacher is? You! So, if you’re the teacher, then home would be the classroom. But remember, before you teach, your classroom must be in order and if you’re wondering how to do that, read Part 2 of this series and get reacquainted with the 1st ‘E’ factor, Environment. So, are you a great teacher? If you’re reading this then I’m assuming you’re not quite there yet but you want to be, yes? Well, if you want to be a great teacher, then I suggest you go back and read part 2 and part 3 of this series. Am I sounding like a broken record yet? Good! By now I should have drilled it in your head how important Environment and Engagement are in this process. Of course, great teachers are also great learners. That’s right, great teachers love to learn and it’s their own insatiable appetite for learning that quickly rubs off on their students, getting them excited in the process. If confidence in your own ability to become a great teacher is beginning to wane, let me take this moment to reassure you that you have what it takes. How do I know? Why else would you be reading this article if you didn’t care for your son and also love to learn? Now that we’ve established you have what it takes to be a great teacher, let’s move on. We’ve talked about the classroom (home) and the teacher (you), now let’s talk about the curriculum shall we?

Recipe for a ‘failure to launch’ curriculum

Now, before you start hyperventilating from the mere thought of taking on such a monumental task as developing a curriculum dedicated to ‘failure to launch’ that will essentially cover hundreds of different topics all designed to help your son achieve independence… stop, take a deep breath and relax. Truth is, you don’t need to worry about constructing the perfect curriculum worthy of a nobel prize nomination… in fact, I recommend you don’t. Why you ask? We’ll because the best teachers don’t follow a rigorous unforgiving curriculum, no matter how good it might look on paper. The best teachers use a flexible curriculum that allows them to engage their students in real time, while still challenging them to think outside the box, take healthy risks and ultimately problem solve. Now I want you to think back for a moment when you were in school… a long, long time ago. Who was your favorite teacher? Was it the braniac know-it-all that could recite the periodic table by heart? How about the muscular hunk that just so happened to double as the swim coach? What about the chill, easy going hippie that really didn’t care if you even came to class? Or was it the teacher who challenged you, believed in you and genuinely cared about you. You know, the one who made you feel as though he or she designed each lesson around you. Hmm… I wonder who your favorite was? Let’s face it, the wise-old adage, “No one cares about how much you know, until they know how much you care” is true. So, how do you show your son you care? If you don’t know the answer… then you guessed it, re-read part 2 & 3 of this series! Back to the topic at hand. How can you develop a great failure to launch curriculum? Well, it’s a lot like baking a cake, you need to add the right ingredients at the right time if you expect anyone to eat it. So without further ado, let’s get baking!

Using the 7 staples to achieve independence

Now, every cake whether it be a strawberry cake, a carrot cake, a coffee cake or a chocolate cake share the exact same essential ingredients, namely: eggs, flour and sugar. These are staples found in every cake and for the most part, do not change. The same holds true when developing a successful failure to launch curriculum. Stick with the staples… the things that do not or rather should not change. When setting up a dynamite ‘failure to launch’ curriculum, remember the acronym P.E.R.S.I.S.T. which stands for Practice, Results, Exemplify, Step by Step, Individualized, Simplistic and Timely. Let’s discuss each in detail.

Practice:

Yes, this one will take time but anything worth mastering does. Now, you don’t need to wait around for your son to come home to practice teaching, you can practice on others too. Family, friends, co-workers, even the dog (you’ll understand why in next week’s post). Only practice will help you get more comfortable with teaching so it eventually becomes natural and effortless. Teaching is most effective when your son doesn’t know there’s actual teaching going on, which means you need to think outside the box. You can’t approach this like you would a traditional classroom and lecture. He needs to know you care first, so build on the relationship and go from there. Remember to be honest and transparent from the get go. Young people have a knack for uncovering hidden agendas and discovering ulterior motives and you’ll definitely lose trust if you go about it this way. Instead of trying to take him for a ride, let him take you for one. The best way to do this is to practice listening first and talking second. Always look for those little teaching moments and take full advantage of those moments when they come. If you’re listening, you’ll recognize these moments when they happen.

Tip: Steer clear of lecturing… no one wants to listen to someone give advice that was unsolicited to begin with. Listening and asking the right questions will do the talking for you… trust me.

“Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused. But on a higher level.” -Enrico Fermi

Exemplify:

Exemplify… it’s often overlooked and underrated, but it’s one of the most important tools in a parents toolbox. Unfortunately the “Do as I say, Not as I Do” approach is far too common these days which really creates some havoc at home. If you want to have some influence with your son, you’re going to need to “teach by example”… which is, without a doubt the highest form of teaching, period. Believe it or not, this essential ingredient is often the hardest for people. Why? Because it’s easy to say one thing and do another and most of the time people don’t even recognize when they’re doing it. Its called hypocrisy and it will destroy your credibility faster than beans through a cowboy, so don’t do it. With that said, we’re all human and all of us are going to fall short some of the time. When that does happen, it’s best to admit you’ve made a mistake. In fact, admitting you made a mistake is a great way of ‘exemplify’, is it not? Before you teach something, be somewhat proficient in what you are teaching and be willing to learn from others including those who may be much younger than you, your son for example… hint, hint. Be objective… there is no such thing as one right way to do things. Encourage ‘healthy’ mistakes and give positive feedback when he’s taking action. Don’t be so quick to give the answer or find the solution to your son’s problems when he’s struggling, when you do, you rob him of the ability to learn how to problem solve. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t help guide him in the problem solving process. How do you do that? By asking questions! By asking questions you challenge your son to come up with his own answers which is the ultimate goal and that is the essence of problem-solving.

Tip: Leading by example is a double-edged sword. If you want him to be strong, you must be strong. If you’re fearful, scared and anxious all the time, he will most likely be fearful, scared and anxious. You can’t expect your son to believe in his own ability to achieve independence, if you doubt his ability to do so.

“Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand… Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.” -Tim Allen

Results:

Only use a curriculum that works. It doesn’t matter how many fancy bells and whistles it has if it doesn’t produce the results you want. If handing him a book and telling him to read “A beginners guide to…” doesn’t work, which I don’t recommend…. don’t use it. Try different techniques, methods, approaches and activities… find the best way for him to learn. Once you find out what works, use it and reuse it. If you’re a little unsure as to what constitutes ‘good results’, it can be summed up in one word: ACTION! Why? Because action leads to Experience which is the 4th ‘E’ factor. If your son is taking action, he’s gaining valuable experience and if he’s gaining valuable experience, he’s well on his way to achieving independence. Now, if he’s not taking action don’t rush to judgement so quickly, the curriculum may not be the problem. Instead, revisit the first two ‘E’ factors, Environment and Engagement and make sure those are in-line first. If you feel you have a good handle on those, then go ahead and tweak your curriculum and see if that works. If that doesn’t work, seek a professional; someone with the knowledge and experience to help you identify the problem and get you back on track.

Tip: Poor results are not always indicative of a bad curriculum, a bad teacher, or a bad classroom. There are times, where the ownership needs to be placed squarely upon the student’s shoulders. Learning means growing and growing means changing and changing is never easy. You can’t help someone who refuses to change and is only interested in doing things their way. In cases such as these, for the welfare and betterment of your classroom (home) the only choice left is to expel the student (son), meaning he will need to leave. This is often the hardest decision for a parent to make, especially mothers who have a son who is failing to launch.

“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” -Winston Churchill

Step by Step:

There’s an order to all things in this world and for good reason. The same can be said for learning. Learning is far more productive when done in sequential order. Truth is, many if not all skills can not be learned properly without first learning the skills that naturally precede it. Confusion and frustration are always the result of not teaching things in the right order. For example, you can’t learn calculus before learning algebra, geometry and trigonometry first. The same can be said for other skills as well. If you want to teach your son how to manage money, you don’t give him a credit card and a crash course on proper budgeting and call it good. That’s too much, too fast! Let me explain this concept another way.

Teaching step by step is like teaching your son how to ride a bike for the very first time. Would you start by buying him an adult-sized mountain bike with state of the art thumb shifters, clipless pedals, and full disk brakes and then expect he’s going to know how to ride it? Of course not! You start him off with a small bike. One that is just right for his size, with the basic one gear setup so it’s easier for him, maybe throw in some rainbow streamers for fun and then you teach him… step by step. It’s perfectly normal for there to be some hand-holding at the very beginning… that in no way means you are doing the work for him. It just means you are more involved in the teaching process at this point. As his skills improve his confidence will also, which means less and less hand-holding, until eventually he’s able to ride his bike on his own or in other words, achieve complete independence without any more assistance from Mom or Dad.

Tip: Enabling is the number one enemy to learning. Protecting your son from every hardship or obstacle that may come his way is detrimental to your son’s ability to learn, problem solve, not to mention his confidence. By all means, give him the tools to help him succeed but don’t rescue him when things get tough just for your own peace of mind. Without consequences, learning can not take place. Good teachers don’t do their student’s homework, they give them the tools, resources and support they need so they can do it themselves.

“The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man’s foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.’ –Thomas Huxley

Individualized:

You’re son is very different from you and his brothers and sisters too. Raising your son based on what has worked for you or his siblings may not be the best approach. Teach him based on your best understanding of who he really is, with his own personality traits and unique interests in mind. He’s a different person and therefore will need different instruction. Discovering your son’s primary motive, learning style and strengths will go along way in understanding what direction to take when developing a failure to launch curriculum. Of course, incorporating some hands on learning or learning by doing is always a good idea, because this is how boys learn best. Be creative, open-minded and resourceful, if he doesn’t learn well one way…try another. Practice, practice, practice!

Tip: Be careful. It can be easy for parents to confuse their own personal aspirations with their son’s, pushing their son toward a path they want for him, instead of the one he’s chosen for himself. When you push your own agenda or only teach what’s important to you, you in essence force him to bake something he doesn’t want to eat, which will only cause resistance. What do I mean by this? You as the baker (teacher) need to be sensitive to the fact that your son may not want a strawberry cake, a chocolate cake or a coffee cake but rather wants a carrot cake. Focus on the 7 staple ingredients and then let him decide what he wants to bake with them.

“But the fact is, no matter how good the teacher, how small the class, how focused on quality education the school may be none of this matters if we ignore the individual needs of our students.” -Roy Barnes

Simplistic:

Keep it Simple! A lot of talking on your end is the fastest way to complicate things. Instead, choose to listen first. Some of the most powerful lessons are taught in silence. Start with something easy and go from there. The more complex you make it, the harder it will be for him to grasp what you’re teaching and the easier it will be for you to lose focus on what’s important. A simple and practical curriculum will help you stay focused and remain flexible, which is key. The easiest lessons for us to learn as individuals are those that are relatable. This is exactly why so many of the best thinkers, philosophers and teachers that ever lived used parables to teach and with much success! Everything you teach should be something that can be easily applied, understood and relatable. It doesn’t need to be extravagant for it to work, in fact it shouldn’t be. Have you ever heard of the story behind the space pen? The story goes something like this:

In the 1960s the space race was underway and NASA astronauts complained that their pens wouldn’t work in zero gravity. As a result a highly-trained team of NASA engineers went straight to work and was able to create the wonder pen. The wonder pen worked upside down, in a vacuum, in zero gravity and even underwater, but it took months to build and came at a cost of a million dollars. During the same time, the Russian astronauts were presented with the same problem. There solution was simple: they used pencils.

Tip: Don’t try and compete with the world, you’ll just end up being frustrated and annoyed. A more productive approach is to leave the world at the front door. That means less TV, less facebook and twitter, less Xbox and Playstation and more family time. Try to eliminate any distractions. Placing healthy restrictions on phones, laptops, TV, and music will not only help you be more attuned to your kids needs, it will also help your kids be more attuned to yours.

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” -Confucius

Timely:

Why is it so important to have a flexible failure to launch curriculum? Because the perfect time to teach anything whether it be soft skills or hard skills, is always when you can practice it and apply it in real time. This approach is rarely used in today’s classrooms, especially colleges and universities, where you sit in class for a specified amount of time, listen to a lecture about something that has very little relevance to you and with no ability to apply what’s being taught in real time. Most academic institutions today expect their students to use root memorization as the primary method of remembering what is being taught in hopes the student will still be able to apply the information months or even years down the road when it becomes more applicable. Bar none, timing will be one of the most important staple ingredients in your failure to launch curriculum. This ingredient is so often overlooked because it’s not well known in today’s schools and classrooms. But why? Because the focus today is not placed on the individual needs of the student but on the collective good of the entire class. Our education system is not the only reason young men today are failing to thrive. Regardless of the reasons, one thing remains certain, young men today are not prepared to deal with life.

Tip: For those young men who tend to drag their feet, creating reasonable time frames for your son to apply what he’s being taught is extremely helpful. Remember, imparting knowledge is not the overall goal! The overall goal of any ‘failure to launch’ curriculum is to produce ACTION! If there’s no action, then there’s no learning. If you’re implementing the curriculum correctly but are still finding it hard to get your son to take action, go back and refer to Part 2: Environment, paying close attention to the 3 R’s of a healthy home.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” -Octavia Butler

The next step to help him achieve independence…

I think you know what you need to do now. It’s time to lead by example and take that first step toward helping your son achieve something he never thought he could, true independence! I challenge you to take immediate action on one of the 7 staples taught today. Remember, learning doesn’t take place without action first. Forget about developing the perfect ‘failure to launch’ curriculum for now and just take action, no matter how small it may be. By doing so, you are following the first and most important principle of P.E.R.S.I.S.T….. Practice!

A Quick Summary:

The 4 “E” factors we’ve found to be the most effective in catapulting young men to independence is Environment, Engagement, Education, and Experience. We learned the number one ingredient to receive a great education is a great teacher. We further learned that their are 7 staple ingredients needed to bake a great tasting curriculum for young men struggling with failure to launch syndrome. They are Practice, Exemplify, Results, Simplistic, Individualization, Step by Step and Timely. We also identified what the overall result should be when implementing a successful failure to launch curriculum… ACTION! The last ‘E’ factor: Experience is the direct result of implementing the first 3 ‘E’ factors correctly and it’s Experience that will lead your son to independence and ultimately a successful more meaningful life.

Supporting Articles on the Subject:

1. John Hopkins School of Education, Diversity, Learning Style and Culture by Pat Burke Guild

2. A Hoover Institution Journal, The best teachers in the world by John E Chubb

3. Building an Opportunity Culture for America’s Teachers, How America’s Best Teachers Could Close the Gaps, Raise the Bar, and Keep Our Nation Great by Bryan C. Hassel and Emily Ayscue Hassel

Coming up next week:

Next week we will be learning about dogs. That’s right, dogs! Believe it or not there are some staggering parallels between the techniques used to rehabilitate dogs and those used to rehabilitate young men. Cesar Milan, also known as ‘The Dog Whisperer’ is the best at what he does. He’s famous for taking some of worst behaving dogs and turning them into great dogs! It’s time to share some of his secrets and how they can work for you at home.

A big thank you to all our readers! We know there are a variety of different transitional living programs out there today for emerging adults and we sincerely appreciate parents like you who invest their time and energy toward improving themselves and their families. We hope you found this information to be both empowering and useful in helping your son achieve independence. Please take a moment to leave a comment or ask us a question. Thank you!

About The Author

Brook Price dedicated himself to helping others early in his life. He grew up in Sunny Orange County California, then joined the Marine Corps at the age of 21 serving five and half years as a helicopter crew chief and then as chief accountant. His journey with this type of work began when he volunteered as a Young Marines Instructor during his time in the Marines, helping kids get off the street, improve their lives and develop as a leader. After his tour Brook left the Marines to pursue a career in experiential therapy by attending Southern Utah University where he majored in outdoor recreation with a minor in psychology.

Brook has seventeen years experience working for a variety of different therapeutic and transitional programs across the nation. His thirst for knowledge drove him to learn and study successful therapeutic models and programs across the country, most notably Outward Bound. Brook has experience working with therapeutic, residential, military, wilderness and transitional programs for adults and adolescents.

You can also find me on Google+

3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 3

Posted on December 26, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Last week, in Part 2 of our series “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” we discussed the 1st and most important “E” factor which is Environment. We also talked about the 3 R’s that are crucial in creating an environment of learning and growth. In Part 3 of this series we will talk more in depth about the 2nd “E” factor, Engagement. Let’s begin by defining what engagement is. Websters dictionary defines engagement as follows: emotional involvement or commitment. Right now you’re probably thinking, “But I am emotionally involved and committed!” Take a deep breath… I know you’re emotionally involved and committed, you are in fact reading this post to try and help your son achieve independence… that sounds like someone who is emotionally involved and committed to me. Your level of engagement is not in question here… your son’s however is, so that’s where we’re going to start. So how do you get your son engaged? Let’s find out!

Engagement… what is it?

First off, we need to look at engagement as a process rather than a definition. I think we can both agree that if engagement was really as simple as just being emotionally involved and committed then things would be much different at home, right? Engagement is really a process, not simply a state of being and that’s the real difference. At Forte Strong we view engagement as a process, a process in which emotionally involved and committed people help facilitate learning and create new opportunities for growth. There’s no doubt you are emotionally involved and committed, but do you facilitate learning and create new opportunities for growth? If not, then I would argue that you’re not fully engaged in the process, which is ok… because you’re going to learn how right now!

*Engagement can be divided into 3 categories that are easy to remember and easy to implement. At Forte Strong we call these 3 categories the 3 C’s of Engagement.

The 3 C’s:

Community, Communication & Consistency

Community:

Have you heard the term “It takes a village to raise a child”? Well… it’s true. Is it possible for one person to do it on their own? Yes it is, but it’s a lot more work and the odds are stacked against you. It’s much harder to guide your son in the right direction when you are competing against the rest of the world! Engagement doesn’t just have to come from ONE source, so parents you don’t have to do this on your own. In fact, I would highly recommend you don’t do it on your own. The Lone Ranger might work well in the movies but it doesn’t work very well in the real world. It would be wise to include people you trust in the engagement process. It can be friends, mentors, extended family, neighbors, coaches, teachers, pastors, bishops, bosses and so on. Remember, you are fighting for you child’s time and attention and the older your child is… let’s say over 18 for example… the harder it will be to capture it and keep him engaged.

It’s a big world out there and parents, you have very little control over it. But don’t throw in the towel just yet, there is a place where you have a great deal of control and influence. Do you know what environment I speak of? If you read Part 2 in the “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” series than you know the answer. It’s your home! That’s exactly why creating a healthy environment within the home is #1 on our list. Outside the home is beyond your control and your scope of influence, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have other channels of influence at your disposal. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. You have friends, mentors, extended family, neighbors, coaches, teachers, pastors, bishops, bosses and so on that may be willing to lend a hand. Do you know of any good role models in your family, at work, church, school or in the neighborhood that you trust? If so, try and get them involved. Your goal is to create opportunities for your son to learn and grow. A community of positive, responsible and trustworthy individuals can help make the job easier.

Note: You’re not trying to find a therapist, you’re trying to find healthy, responsible, trustworthy, well-balanced individuals who can help keep your son engaged or in other words, people who are emotionally involved and committed to help facilitate learning and create new opportunities for growth.

Communication:

I cannot emphasize the importance of communication. Communicating effectively is so vital that without it, the battle is already over before it even begun. This battle is for your son’s time and attention and ultimately his future. Any military general will tell you, the fastest way to win a war is to take out the enemies communications and the same can be said at home. If communication doesn’t exist in the home than you’re fighting a battle that can’t be won. But wait! Before you start waiving a white flag, know that with a little guidance and some one-on-one coaching you can quickly turn this situation around for the better! At Forte Strong we help teach and coach parents how to communicate with their children in a way that creates positive change instead of resistance and resentment. Though we’ve learned that no communication can be debilitating, the inability to communicate effectively can be equally disastrous. However, I personally believe some communication, regardless of its effectiveness, is better than no communication. Though not optimum, arguments at the very least indicate both parties are trying to communicate at some level to solve a common problem. No communication on the other hand indicates a refusal to address the problem or acknowledge that it even exists. Communication is key in helping your son achieve independence, so learning how to communicate effectively is essential!

So how does one learn how to communicate effectively? The good news is that you don’t need to be a master of communication in order to use it effectively. By following these 3 basic steps you’ll begin to experience huge positive results in your life and make a huge impact on his. However, communication always involves more than one person, which is why adopting these 3 key areas will help you drastically improve your life, but it doesn’t mean you can force someone else to do the same. You can easily remember these 3 key areas by remembering the 3 T’s: Talk, Timing, and Trust.

Step 1: Talk This is by far the most important of the 3 because this is one parents often avoid because let’s face it, it can be uncomfortable at first. So what does talking mean? It means you start talking to your son on a daily basis… and that means practice, practice, practice. Talking doesn’t mean you are the one doing it, it only means that you are involved in the conversation. Talking involves both speaking and listening and they are both important.

Step 2: Timing Many parents get this one wrong because they forget to think about the other person first. If you find yourself repeatedly missing the mark on timing, go back to step 1: Talk and practice listening more than speaking. Great listeners are always better at timing than speakers because they are consistently in tune with how others are feeling and thinking and are therefore more adapt to know the best time to talk. Timing can often predict whether there’s an argument or a conversation. Trying to talk to someone while they are emotional is a bad idea, whether the emotional person is you or your son. Here are few examples of bad timing.

- Talking to someone while they are emotional.
- Talking to someone who is rushed for time (this could also be you). Don’t try to quickly jam a conversation in before heading out the door.
- Talking to someone when there’s distractions.
- Talking to someone when they just woke up or tired and sleepy, hungry, thirsty or feel ill.
- Talking to someone in the middle of them doing something important (whether or not you feel its important)
- Talking about something important over the phone, text or email.
- Talking to someone in a public place with lots of people around.

Step 3: Trust This is essential for any good, productive and positive communication to take place. Honesty and trust must first exist before any real and meaningful conversations take place. For mom’s, that means juicy details of the conversation are kept confidential between husband and wife and no one else, unless it is absolutely necessary. That means that sharing bits and pieces of the conversation with Aunt Edna and your best friends Janet and Kim is out of the question. Men are not as open and transparent about things as women are, which means you need to treat what is said as sacred. Your son is not going to tell you a thing if he can’t trust that you will treat what is said with respect. Though I believe it is good for son’s to have meaningful conversations with their Mother’s, I believe it’s far more beneficial to have a meaningful conversation with his Father.

Consistency:

It’s important that parents are consistent and firm in their message and their approach when trying to foster independence. Obviously this is not just a one time fix and you’re not going to see a marked improvement in just one day. It’s going to take some time and this is why consistency is so crucial. With over 13 years of experience I’ve come to understand that what separates parents who experience success from those who don’t is consistency. It just makes sense, parents who can be consistent experience the best results. I often compare this overlooked and under-appreciated attribute to running a long-distance marathon. Fact: Not everyone who runs a marathon ends up finishing it. This is largely due to a lack of consistency or pace.

If you are a runner you understand what I’m saying, if you’re not let me further explain. There are 3 types of marathon runners.

Runner #1: These runners walk the race and never end up finishing within the time limit (usually 6 hours). These runners represent parents who either don’t think there’s a problem or are not willing to put forth the effort to solve the problem.

Runner #2: These runners run the race too hard, don’t have the energy to keep going and eventually burn out. These runners represent parents who put forth a lot of effort, using an approach that doesn’t work and eventually burn out.

Runner #3: These runners have been coached or taught to pace themselves at a speed that is neither too slow nor too fast and finish the entire 26.2 miles. These runners represent parents who consistently use an approach that works with a large support network. Just remember this rhyme: Winners run their race at a healthy pace!

Now ask yourself, which runner are you? Most parents fall into the category of Runner #2… they invest a lot of time and energy using an approach that doesn’t work and are eventually left feeling burned out and hopeless. How do you prevent Burn Out? Simple! By implementing the first two “C’s” correctly! Step 1: Community! Remember, it takes a village to raise a child so recruit some extra help! It’s much easier to maintain consistency if you’re not carrying the full weight on your shoulders. Step 2: Communicate with your son and learn how to do it effectively! We’ve helped hundreds of parents that have been in your exact situation. If you’re committed to winning this race, which I know you are, please call us today and let us help you help your son.

A Quick Summary:

The 4 “E” factors that we’ve found to be the most effective in catapulting young men to independence is Environment, Engagement, Education, and Experience. We feel the 2nd most important factor out of the 4 is Engagement. We learned that Engagement is a process not simply a state of being: committed and emotionally involved. We further learned that the process of engagement is most effective when approached utilizing the 3 C’s: Community, Communication and Consistency.

Coming up:

Next week we will be learning about the 3rd ‘E’ factor that will help your son achieve independence… Education! So stay tuned!

A thank you to all our readers! We know there are a variety of different programs and approaches out there today for emerging adulthood and we sincerely appreciate parents like you who invest their time and energy toward improving themselves and their families. We hope you found this information to be both empowering and useful to help your son achieve independence. Please take a second to leave a comment below. Thank you!

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3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 1

Posted on November 16, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

In this day and age parents often find themselves at a total loss as to how to help their son achieve independence. In fact most Americans today measure independence in terms of financial security. Let us begin this discussion of achieving independence by clearly defining what it means to be ‘independent’. Is independence about owning or having things like a job, a car and money or does it represent specific steps toward adulthood like moving out of the house and paying bills? Though both of the above mentioned items are associated with independence, by no means does it define it. Over the years it has become increasingly more apparent to me that this sacred word is beginning to lose its true meaning and as a result its inherent value has been greatly diminished. I believe this epidemic of young Americans who are choosing to move back home to escape the woes of life will only worsen as society slips further and further away from the true meaning of independence. More and more frequently ‘independence’ is seen as an achievement or a milestone rather than what it truly represents… skill.

That’s correct, ‘independence’ at its core is a set of skills first and foremost. It’s in learning, applying and understanding these skills that we become more powerful and more capable of navigating through the storms of life that would otherwise blow us off course or sink us. The two most important and crucial skills of all are ‘problem-solving’ and ‘resiliency’. Being independent is more than dollar bills or even paying bills. It’s about being able to find a way when known exists (problem-solving) and having the ability to get back up after you get knocked down (resiliency). The sooner parents can begin to see independence for what it truly is (a set of skills) the faster parents can regain control of their situation, take appropriate action and help empower their son.

This deep shift in how our current culture views and perceives independence (moving out, attending college, being employed, paying bills, etc) has caused many parents to become confused as to what went wrong with their son. Parents begin to wonder how their son could have ever fallen off course so drastically when he seemed to show all the signs of an independent young man after moving out, attending school or finding a job only to return home a few months later.

As parents you are fully aware of what lies ahead for your children who are trying to find their place in life. We are fully aware of the curves, corners, ups, downs, zig-zags and the myriad of unknowns that are always present these days. What we are not aware of is that our children are not as prepared as we might think and are not yet ready to meet these problems, obstacles, set-backs, and threats head on because they don’t possess the skills to do so. Instead these young adults retreat to the safe harbors of home, vowing never to venture out into the open ocean ever again. If your son has a job, has money, and can pay his own bills but doesn’t know how to adequately problem-solve or does not possess even a small measure of resiliency, then he is unprepared for the rigors of what lies ahead and therefore should not be considered as being independent. The above mentioned situation may depict an independent young man, but below the surface we begin to see the situation for what it really is, a dependent young man merely living an independent lifestyle.

I hope this post has given you new perspective on what it means to be truly independent. In my next post we will explore 3 techniques you can use to help your son achieve independence. Tune in next week for Part 2 of our series 3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence or better yet, subscribe to our weekly posts to receive informative and relevant tips on how to help and empower your son to achieve independence.

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The Boomerang Generation: Kids That Won’t Leave Home

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Matthew Arrington

It’s becoming increasingly clear why experts are beginning to call this ‘the boomerang generation.’ Now more than ever society is beginning to see a huge shift in the age of independence when young men and young women are expected to leave home and start their own lives. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long before these sons and daughters are quickly returning home to Mom and Dad vowing to never venture out into great unknown ever again. Parents are beginning to see their sons quit or be fired from their job or multiple jobs, quit or fail out of school or leave a romantic relationship to pursue something less committal, less challenging and well… more easy.

The consequences of having no consequences

More and more young men are choosing the easy route… they quit, they give up, they throw in the towel. But what about the consequences you ask? Are there not inevitable consequences as a result of making such decisions? Good question. The fact is, there usually aren’t any consequences; and that is part of the problem. Consequences are a vital part of how we learn and grow and without them learning cannot take place and growth is thwarted.

A consequence is defined as “A result of an action or condition.” Part of the reasoning behind why so many young men choose to return home is that it becomes a safety blanket of sorts. They know they will be able to escape the consequences of their choices if they come home to a quiet room, where they don’t have to interact with peers, teachers, employers or anyone that might make them anxious. This is what we have come to know as Failure to Launch.

The reason why kids won’t leave home

While at home many if not all of these young men’s basic needs are being taken care by Mom and Dad. Food is provided for him at no charge and even in some cases, housekeeping! In many cases his bills are also paid for by Mom and Dad to include insurance, gas, cell service and maybe some spending cash every now and then. If young men are to learn to be truly independent, they must first face the consequences of their choices! They must first understand that life is not a free ride… it takes effort. The more effort the better the outcome. For things to change it will first involve Mom and Dad setting some serious boundaries and taking corrective measures. The longer parents wait to draw these boundaries the harder it becomes for both parents and children.

Helicopter parenting can inhibit social interaction

Parents may also be involved in over-protective parenting, doing everything possible to shield their son from heartache, loss, risk, and embarrassment. This is also known as helicopter parenting which is detrimental to any child who is transitioning into young adulthood. When mom or dad don’t maintain healthy boundaries and can’t keep their paternal instincts at bay the result is what I call the “silent killer”. Rescuing is the silent killer because parents don’t often see the devastating effects of helicopter parenting until it’s too late. When young men are rescued and coddled, they begin to lose their sense of identity as well as their confidence. Without intervention, it doesn’t take long before a once capable young man begins to avoid and shy away from what was once healthy and normal social encounters. If allowed to continue, social interactions at almost every level become uncomfortable and even family functions are avoided. But all is not lost. It’s never too late for parents to take action and begin to change things around for the better for both them and their family, but its not easy. It takes the right guidance, training and a lot practice for parents to learn how to empower their son to change and grow but it is possible. In time he’ll have the confidence to ask his professor for help in class or be able to confront a roommate about dirty dishes or even express his deep feelings toward a love interest.

These are all things that take effort, time and practice and can only be learned in an environment of natural and logical consequences. If parents take away the opportunity to allow their son to grow from his own decisions (even poor ones) they are hindering and stifling his development into becoming a confident young men. Natural consequences is a great teaching tool if parents take a few steps back and let them happen as intended… naturally.

The first thing all parents must understand is that their son is fully capable of not only achieving complete independence but becoming a successful, purpose-driven and a self-directed young man. So remember, when your son is struggling in life, the best things you can do is set healthy boundaries, let natural consequences happen unimpeded and express confidence in your son’s ability to solve any problem that comes his way. You have the power to help your son rise above this boomerang generation and become so much more. It’s never too late.

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Stats on Failure to Launch, you’re not alone!!!

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Matthew Arrington

In the past we’ve talked about some of the reasons behind why more young men are experiencing failure to launch. In our efforts to continue to be on top of how we can best help our students, we have gathered stats and more information for you as parents to consider. A recent article published by the New England Journal of Higher Education gives some enlightening clues as to why failure to launch is becoming a national epidemic. So without further ado, here we go:

* Beginning in elementary school, boys earn lower grades, receiving 70% of the D’s and F’s, while girls earn 60% of the A’s

* More than one million teens drop out of school every year and 80% of them are male.

* Nationwide, only 65% of males graduate from high school, compared with 72% of females.

* Only 43% of men are likely to graduate from college, compared with 60% of women.

The New England Journal of Higher Education goes on by saying,

In addition to these bleak educational statistics, almost nine out of ten alcohol and drug violations are perpetrated by males; 95% of juvenile homicides are committed by boys; and 56% of men ages 18 to 24 live at home with their parents. The bottom line: Young men are becoming less educated, less employable, less appealing as potential husbands and a greater burden to themselves and others.

Over the next five blog posts we will discuss five of the biggest reasons as to why Failure to Launch is occurring in staggering numbers with our young men today. These five reasons are discussed by Dr. Leonard Sax in his book Boys Adrift and are the source for the above mentioned Scholarly Journal articles’ basis. These facts and figures are meant to help parents discover some of the root causes and relevant issues that our young men are facing today, and how Forte Strong, as a failure to launch program can help these young men develop the confidence and leadership that they need to be successful, happy and independent. Our goal is to help educate parents about this failure to launch epidemic, increase the number of strong and independent young men and help curb the growing statistics of young men who are failing out of college. Until next time!

Best,

-The Forte Strong Family

About the Author

Matthew Arrington grew up in Southern California and has a deep fondness for the ocean and water in general. He’s lived in most of the western united states and attended school in Oregon, where he earned a few degrees in business including, marketing, leadership and organizational management and a Masters in Business. Matt has a huge passion for working with young men to increase their chances of success and credits his current success to the many positive male role models that helped him grow into manhood.

Becoming a Leader

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Matthew Arrington

Many people stress the importance of being a good leader. But where does it start? Are good leaders born or trained? Whats the secret formula to becoming a good leader? Many different people rise in the ranks of leadership through different paths, but at Forte Strong we teach our students the fundamentals of leadership. Leadership starts inside and it is important to understand oneself before they can be an effective leader to others.

Dr. Nancy Huber, author of the book Leading from Within suggests four leadership traits (choices) that are essential to a leader:

“Passion – Purpose and passion go hand in hand. To be an effective leader, you must first care. When you care deeply, you have a passion that is more than simply the spark that gets you started, it is the fire inside that will sustain you. It is a commitment so compelling that your whole self — body, mind, and spirit — are engaged. Passion is not the same as a single-minded determination to get what you want or to create the changes you think should be made. Rather, passion for a higher purpose is characterized by an openness to possibilities and the innate belief that people want to work together to create the best future imaginable. Passion plus possibilities gives you courage!

Authenticity – To be authentic is to be genuine. From my perspective, this means being who you are, all the time. To be authentic frees us to be everything we were meant to be! We admit our shortcomings to ourselves, recognize our strengths, and live who we are. When someone feels the need to behave in a particular way while at work and not be the person they know themselves to be at home or with friends, something has to give. The result is either an implosion or an explosion of the self. I believe that much of the disconnectedness we sometimes feel grows out of a need for authenticity. We long for genuine, trustworthy interaction where we live and work, and we experience fulfillment when our relationships with others are honest, grounded in the truth of who we are.

Credibility – If you are to have credibility, you must do what you say you will do. Your reputation as a credible person develops as a direct result of the trust others have in you to follow through, acting on what you have committed yourself to do. From my perspective, credibility begins with being authentic and is manifested in the actions you promise AND deliver. It is being accountable for what you say you will do. Whereas authenticity is grounded in personal integrity, credibility is grounded in interpersonal integrity.

Ethics – Ethical leaders have at the center of their belief system a high regard for human worth and dignity. They make decisions and take action in accordance with these deeply held values and beliefs. Service to others and a commitment to the greater good for more people is the essence of what it means to be ethical. Being ethical is a choice you make when passion, authenticity, and credibility are aligned with a belief system which is grounded in service to the global community.”

We coach our students to understand themselves and be comfortable in their own skin. By understanding who they are, they’re able to communicate more effectively, make sound decisions, be an example to others and accomplish difficult tasks on their own. Being a leader is not something that only the few possess. It can be learned, developed and honed. Click Lead the Way to find out how.

-The Forte Strong Family

About the Author

Establishing Boundaries With Your Struggling Young Adult

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Matthew Arrington

Below is an excerpt from Allison Bottke, author of the much talked-about book Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. The following example depicts somewhat of a “fire” scenario where a struggling young adult is stuck in a rebellious and rescuing mode. Although this scenario might not apply to your unique situation, useful information can still be extrapolated from its concept. Whether your struggling young adult is in this mindset or not, take what you find helpful and apply it.

“Enabling parents know that we live either smack dab in the middle of crisis or we’re simply in between crises, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time the phone rings at night, we are catapulted to a place of despair. Will it be our adult child in a drunken stupor, will it be the police, or will it be the morgue?

Let’s look at these two ways we live and what we need to do to implement the decision we’ve made to stop enabling and set boundaries for our adult children.

In between crises. Without a doubt, this is the best time to put our decision into motion. We would be wise to develop our action plan during this time, then present it to our adult children and get out of the way.
In crisis mode. This is a harder time to implement your decision, but it can also show an immediate effect. If, for instance, your adult child has been arrested, do not intervene this time. If your adult child lives at home and is involved in anything related to drugs, alcohol, crime, violence, unacceptable behavior, or any type of illegal activity whatsoever, insist on his immediate departure from your home. Call the authorities if necessary. He can choose to go to rehab or to a friend’s home, or anywhere he’d like, including living on the street — whatever he decides — but it is not your responsibility to find somewhere for him to go.Remember, if he has broken the law, you may be considered an accessory to his crime. Calling the police will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, but it may be necessary.

If your adult child lives outside the home and is calling for money or a place to live, or is requesting (in many cases, begging) for your signature on a contract or rental agreement, do not give it to him.

There’s an old saying, “You can’t paddle another man’s canoe for him.” We’ve been paddling our adult children’s canoes for far too long. It’s time they learned how to paddle for themselves.

Knowing that we need to change and taking the steps necessary to make changes are, sadly, often two entirely different things.”

At Forte Strong we help teach young men how to “paddle their own canoe”. Sure, it takes effort but that effort will be the very difference between an independent son or dependent one. The fact is, if you don’t know how to paddle your own canoe, you’ll go anywhere the wind takes you!

-The Forte Strong Family

About The Author

Is my son addicted to video games?

Posted on March 15, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

young man playing video games This is a popular question we hear a lot. “Is my son addicted to video games /computer games? How can I tell? What do I do?” According to dictionary.com, the definition of addiction is as follows: “The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming… to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.” Is it possible to be addicted to video games? You bet, just like people can be addicted to drugs, food, sex or gambling. Addiction in any form will eventually cause problems and begin to effect all areas of your life, to include your physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual well-being. In order for us to create and maintain a life of happiness, meaning and purpose we need balance.

Playing video games is not necessarily a bad thing as long proper boundaries are put in place to prevent it from becoming habit forming. Studies have shown that video game addiction is indeed real and growing. It’s effects not only center around the age of adolescence but now extend well into adulthood. As a result no one is completely safe from its influence including parents who have lost their jobs, some even receiving prison time for child neglect, all due to video game addiction.

Here are some warning signs to watch out for. For young adults or adolescence, you may begin to feel as if they spend the entire day in their room. A gradual lack of interest in visiting friends, getting out or attending social gatherings may soon develop. Studies show that this kind of behavior will eventually limit social skill development and the ability for these adolescence to function appropriately in normal social settings down the road. Other warning signs include fatigue (due to lack of proper sleep), poor grades, lying, or agitation and cranky behavior.

At Forte Strong strong we understand the severity of your situation. We help your struggling young adult regain the balance that is missing in his life by incorporating a multifaceted approach that replaces bad habits with healthy ones. A few ways we do this is by reinforcing the body’s natural sleep patterns, adopting physical exercise, introducing fun social activities and exploring healthy alternatives to playing video games. As your son discovers a variety of positive ways to fill the gaps that video games were falsely providing we begin to reintroduce video games into his balanced lifestyle as a fun, non-abusive option to our recreation.

About The Author

Helping vs. Enabling. Whats the difference?

Posted on March 14, 2012 by Matthew Arrington

Ok, today we are going to start off on a hot topic, but a very important issue that needs to be addressed. The big question that many have asked themselves or, rather, SHOULD ask themselves is: Am I helping or enabling? First of all lets look at the difference between the two. HELPING is assisting someone with a situation, task, etc…that they are incapable of doing themselves. ENABLING is doing something for someone who is fully capable of doing it themselves. Keep this in mind when you are involved with your struggling young adult.

For example: I recently had to replace a broken serpentine belt in my vehicle. I knew how to do it but was unable to lift the pulley down AND at the same time slide the belt through the maze of pulleys on the engine. I went across the street to my friend Dave’s house (Dave is a mechanic btw) and asked if he could give me a hand. Dave was able to put pressure on the pulley allowing me to adjust and put the belt where it was supposed to go. This is a basic example of someone (Dave) helping rather than enabling. Conversely, if I were to ask Dave to come “help” me but I sat and watched him do the whole thing (assuming it wasn’t a two person job) he would have been enabling me.

As a parent it can be difficult to determine whether you are helping or enabling. After all, the first instinct you have as a parent is to provide for your children, and society tells us that really good parents give their kids the opportunities and things that they never had growing up. But that is where we need to stop and think.

A recent article tells us the story of Jared. Jared is a 25 year old man who works a good construction job full time and makes a good income. He still lives at home with his parents though, and spends most of his free time playing video games and watching tv. Jared’s parents are responsible for the mortgage, food, paying utilities, doing chores around the house etc…while Jared sits on the couch or in his bedroom and enjoys a life without much responsibility. He is fully capable of providing for himself but doesn’t see the need as to why he should be living on his own. Because of the money he saves, it is usually spent on buying new video games, clothes, movies, long vacations or whatever he wants. Jared’s parents are enabling him because he is in good health, fully capable of providing for himself and living on his own as an adult. Jared is essentially experiencing “Failure to Launch”

Take a moment and look at the situations involving your son and ask yourself this question, “Am I helping or enabling?” In the future, when you find yourself contemplating whether you should help your son or not, first ask yourself the question, “Am I helping or enabling?” then make your decision. This will take some time to master and at times it will involve some tough love, but in the end it will strengthen the bond between you. As always, we invite you to take a look at Forte Strong for more info and tips on how to help your son unlock his potential.