11 Tips To Find Your Purpose & Achieve Independence in Your 20’s

Posted on June 30, 2020 by Matthew Arrington

Find your purpose

Having a life of purpose & fulfillment is key to maintaining happiness. “Maintaining” is the important point to keep in mind, as happiness must be cultivated, nurtured, and developed over time. There’s no one-stop shop for joy, and it’s crucial to acknowledge that it takes time and effort to figure out how to maintain your personal happiness. There’s no “one size fits all” for this kind of stuff. Your twenties are a pinnacle time in your life, if you find yourself struggling to decide what to do, wondering, “What’s the point of life?” Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

According to 2019, Gallup poll on personal happiness, 86% of Americans report being “very” or “fairly happy”. However, this number is actually at its lowest in the 71 years they’ve been polling this topic. We’re all in the same boat. Don’t worry if you feel aimless, or if you are failing to launch. You have the power to change, and these 11 tips will help you figure it out! So, let’s get started, and take this first step:

1. Read:

I get it, books aren’t for everyone. Everyone reads in some way, though. Do you scroll through Reddit? Check out the lore for your favorite games? Maybe you peruse the latest tech news? That still counts. As long as you’re absorbing information, and spending time analyzing and thinking about it. Whether it’s news, novels, or forum posts, reading will expand your horizons and knowledge, as well as help you relax, and reduce stress. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to try an epic fantasy series or a critically acclaimed piece of nonfiction, instead of just scrolling through your newsfeed… So, keep on reading!

2. Sit down, breathe & envision what your perfect life is like:

It may sound silly at first, but visualizing does a lot to help you manifest your goals and dreams. If you take the time to think about exactly what you want in life, you can build the stepping stones of the path to achieving your dreams. Consider how to figure out what to do with your life. And if you’re wondering, “How do you know what your purpose in life is?” You’re already on the right track. You probably won’t find answers right away, but don’t worry. Take a breather, and just think.

3. Cultivate gratitude:

Maybe you’ve heard of gratitude journals before, maybe you’ve even scoffed at the idea. It’s basically a diary, right? Who needs that? Journals might not be for everyone, but gratitude is. It seems like a weird idea, but gratitude helps keep us grounded, improves our mental and physical health, and can improve our relationships with others. Simply saying “thanks” to someone will make them more receptive to you. Saying “thanks” makes them feel good, and makes you feel good, too! Gratitude has an inherently positive effect. Go ahead, just acknowledge what you’re grateful for in your life, even the smallest things will add up.

4. Define your principles – what’s really important?

Now this one is pretty straightforward. What do you value in life? What beliefs do you hold deep down in your very core? Is there a particular philosophy that appeals to you? Maybe you’ve asked the question of how to find meaning in life. We all have different purposes, maybe you don’t know yours yet, and that’s OK! Just like with working towards happiness, figuring out your values is an ongoing process. It’s subject to change, especially at this point in your life, when change is all around you. Like with everything else on this list, it’s a matter of sitting down and taking the time to think.

Defining what matters to you will help you figure out how to lead your best life. Do you value adventure? A balanced life? Do you seek challenges? Is it important to you to be a leader? A collaborator? Do you want to give back to your community? Help others? Do you lean towards logic, or are you more of a creative thinker? If you establish principles, they will guide you through how you interact with the world at large, the kinds of goals you set, and how you’ll achieve them.

5. Create goals:

Speaking of goals, SET GOALS. The definition of purpose is “something set up as an object or end to be attained,” in other words, a goal. The simple task of organizing your general wants and needs into a list of goals is immensely helpful. How do you do this? It’s simple. Like with everything else, think first. What do you want to do? What do you want to work towards? This can be a small thing like “I want to go for a walk every day,” or something bigger, like where you want to be in 5 years. Write your goals down, and the steps to achieving them. Be very specific and be realistic. Talk to someone about your goals, so that someone else can hold you accountable, and even help you figure out how to achieve them. Keep trying, and don’t be afraid to reassess and make changes along the way. Celebrate your victories, no matter how small!

6. Get out there & do it:

The first step is the hardest. Change can be scary, and maybe you feel like you’re not up for the challenge. Maybe it’s difficult to achieve your goals, and the idea of putting in all that work doesn’t seem worth it. Maybe you’re afraid of failure. You won’t know until you try. Once you get the ball rolling, you’ll keep going and naturally pick up momentum. If you approach “getting out there” with a clear plan in mind, it’ll be easier than you think. Even if it feels uncomfortable or forced at first, those feelings won’t last. Building blocks don’t naturally come together, someone has to conceptualize, plan, put the first one in its place, then another, and another… Nobody’s perfect when they’re starting out.

7. Embrace your failures and learn from mistakes:

Just like how nobody’s perfect… everybody fails. No question about it. What’s important is how you move on from that failure, and what you learn from it. Acknowledge your mistakes and do things differently next time. Assess the situation. Why did you fail? How can you do better next time? Don’t pretend the mistake never happened, but don’t dwell on it. Try, try, try again. If you’re self-aware, you’ll recognize where you went wrong, and learn from it. It’s OK to admit when you’re wrong, because that’s the first step to making things right. Remember, everybody fails!

8. Accept change as a good thing:

The only constant in life is change. It is inevitable. Like with failure, if you acknowledge and embrace change, it’ll be easier to deal with the uncertainty it brings. It can be difficult to accept, especially when things don’t seem to be going your way. Your perception is key to handling the stresses of a life in flux. It can be challenging not knowing what’s coming tomorrow.

It can feel like you’re not in control. It’ll be easier if you accept what you are in control of: yourself. You get to decide how you’ll adapt to new situations. You just need to accept that good and bad things will happen in life, not all change is bad. As the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “You cannot step into the same river twice,” and “everything flows.” The waters of the river are constantly changing, just as the world changes around us, no matter what we do. Resistance is futile!

9. Always keep getting better:

Humans are always “works in progress,” and it is up to you to continue improving yourself. It’s not about perfectionism, it’s about understanding that with personal development, there isn’t a clear end in sight. It’s a continuous process of growth and change. There’s always room for growth, so it’s important to let yourself be open to it. Keep learning. Keep reassessing. Keep getting better.

10. Create even more audacious goals:

Take a leap of faith! Think big. No goal is too ambitious, too bold, too crazy. There’s nothing cliché about the saying, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” It’s the simple truth! If you aim high, and keep putting effort in, you’ll always be at least one step further than you were yesterday.

11. Find a small group or community of like-minded individuals:

Find your tribe! If you surround yourself with people with similar aspirations, it’s only natural that friends will encourage and help each other along their individual journeys. Hanging out with like-minded people will cultivate great conversations, ideas, and partnerships over time. Are you wondering how to make friends? You can meet people through shared activities and interests, whether it’s a monthly D&D meetup, an axe-throwing group, or a neighborhood basketball team. It’s important to make connections, and easier now than ever, with online communities for pretty much all fandoms and hobbies. There are many ways to build a community. Online or IRL, there’s surely at least one person out there you can relate to.\

There you have it, 11 tips to help you get started in discovering what makes you tick. Where do you find your fulfillment? What do you want in life? How can you achieve independence? Above all else, identifying what’s important to you and figuring out how to stay true to that is the real first step to leading a life of purpose.

3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 4

Posted on May 1, 2013July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Last week, in Part 3 of our series “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” we discussed the 2nd “E” factor: Engagement. We also talked about the 3 c’s that are absolutely instrumental in keeping your son engaged. In Part 4 of this series we will talk about the 3rd “E” factor: Education. Education ranks #3 on our list and for good reason, because if you can master the first two “E” factors (Environment & Engagement) you’re already winning the war against failure to launch. However, incorporating Education into your battle strategy can help you ensure victory. With that said, let’s talk about Education.

The most important ingredient in a great education

The most important and an essential ingredient to a good education would undoubtedly be a great teacher, wouldn’t you agree? But wait you ask, isn’t the curriculum the most important part? The answer is no. Yes, a great curriculum is extremely important and yes it’s also an essential part of learning, but a great curriculum has little to no impact without a great teacher! It should come as no surprise that for the last 70 plus years studies have consistently shown that teachers are the number one reason why a student or classroom will either succeed or fail regardless of the curriculum or educational model used. If you don’t believe me, listen to Camilla Benbow who is the dean of one of the top-ranked education schools in the entire country.

‘Of those elements that are within the control of schools, teachers are the most important determinant of how much students achieve. Family and personal attributes of students have the greatest effect on achievement. But among the elements of schooling that promote performance, teachers have the most impact by far.’ -Benbow

The right teacher is the key, especially with failure to launch syndrome

Yes, the teacher makes all the difference and guess who the teacher is? You! So, if you’re the teacher, then home would be the classroom. But remember, before you teach, your classroom must be in order and if you’re wondering how to do that, read Part 2 of this series and get reacquainted with the 1st ‘E’ factor, Environment. So, are you a great teacher? If you’re reading this then I’m assuming you’re not quite there yet but you want to be, yes? Well, if you want to be a great teacher, then I suggest you go back and read part 2 and part 3 of this series. Am I sounding like a broken record yet? Good! By now I should have drilled it in your head how important Environment and Engagement are in this process. Of course, great teachers are also great learners. That’s right, great teachers love to learn and it’s their own insatiable appetite for learning that quickly rubs off on their students, getting them excited in the process. If confidence in your own ability to become a great teacher is beginning to wane, let me take this moment to reassure you that you have what it takes. How do I know? Why else would you be reading this article if you didn’t care for your son and also love to learn? Now that we’ve established you have what it takes to be a great teacher, let’s move on. We’ve talked about the classroom (home) and the teacher (you), now let’s talk about the curriculum shall we?

Recipe for a ‘failure to launch’ curriculum

Now, before you start hyperventilating from the mere thought of taking on such a monumental task as developing a curriculum dedicated to ‘failure to launch’ that will essentially cover hundreds of different topics all designed to help your son achieve independence… stop, take a deep breath and relax. Truth is, you don’t need to worry about constructing the perfect curriculum worthy of a nobel prize nomination… in fact, I recommend you don’t. Why you ask? We’ll because the best teachers don’t follow a rigorous unforgiving curriculum, no matter how good it might look on paper. The best teachers use a flexible curriculum that allows them to engage their students in real time, while still challenging them to think outside the box, take healthy risks and ultimately problem solve. Now I want you to think back for a moment when you were in school… a long, long time ago. Who was your favorite teacher? Was it the braniac know-it-all that could recite the periodic table by heart? How about the muscular hunk that just so happened to double as the swim coach? What about the chill, easy going hippie that really didn’t care if you even came to class? Or was it the teacher who challenged you, believed in you and genuinely cared about you. You know, the one who made you feel as though he or she designed each lesson around you. Hmm… I wonder who your favorite was? Let’s face it, the wise-old adage, “No one cares about how much you know, until they know how much you care” is true. So, how do you show your son you care? If you don’t know the answer… then you guessed it, re-read part 2 & 3 of this series! Back to the topic at hand. How can you develop a great failure to launch curriculum? Well, it’s a lot like baking a cake, you need to add the right ingredients at the right time if you expect anyone to eat it. So without further ado, let’s get baking!

Using the 7 staples to achieve independence

Now, every cake whether it be a strawberry cake, a carrot cake, a coffee cake or a chocolate cake share the exact same essential ingredients, namely: eggs, flour and sugar. These are staples found in every cake and for the most part, do not change. The same holds true when developing a successful failure to launch curriculum. Stick with the staples… the things that do not or rather should not change. When setting up a dynamite ‘failure to launch’ curriculum, remember the acronym P.E.R.S.I.S.T. which stands for Practice, Results, Exemplify, Step by Step, Individualized, Simplistic and Timely. Let’s discuss each in detail.

Practice:

Yes, this one will take time but anything worth mastering does. Now, you don’t need to wait around for your son to come home to practice teaching, you can practice on others too. Family, friends, co-workers, even the dog (you’ll understand why in next week’s post). Only practice will help you get more comfortable with teaching so it eventually becomes natural and effortless. Teaching is most effective when your son doesn’t know there’s actual teaching going on, which means you need to think outside the box. You can’t approach this like you would a traditional classroom and lecture. He needs to know you care first, so build on the relationship and go from there. Remember to be honest and transparent from the get go. Young people have a knack for uncovering hidden agendas and discovering ulterior motives and you’ll definitely lose trust if you go about it this way. Instead of trying to take him for a ride, let him take you for one. The best way to do this is to practice listening first and talking second. Always look for those little teaching moments and take full advantage of those moments when they come. If you’re listening, you’ll recognize these moments when they happen.

Tip: Steer clear of lecturing… no one wants to listen to someone give advice that was unsolicited to begin with. Listening and asking the right questions will do the talking for you… trust me.

“Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused. But on a higher level.” -Enrico Fermi

Exemplify:

Exemplify… it’s often overlooked and underrated, but it’s one of the most important tools in a parents toolbox. Unfortunately the “Do as I say, Not as I Do” approach is far too common these days which really creates some havoc at home. If you want to have some influence with your son, you’re going to need to “teach by example”… which is, without a doubt the highest form of teaching, period. Believe it or not, this essential ingredient is often the hardest for people. Why? Because it’s easy to say one thing and do another and most of the time people don’t even recognize when they’re doing it. Its called hypocrisy and it will destroy your credibility faster than beans through a cowboy, so don’t do it. With that said, we’re all human and all of us are going to fall short some of the time. When that does happen, it’s best to admit you’ve made a mistake. In fact, admitting you made a mistake is a great way of ‘exemplify’, is it not? Before you teach something, be somewhat proficient in what you are teaching and be willing to learn from others including those who may be much younger than you, your son for example… hint, hint. Be objective… there is no such thing as one right way to do things. Encourage ‘healthy’ mistakes and give positive feedback when he’s taking action. Don’t be so quick to give the answer or find the solution to your son’s problems when he’s struggling, when you do, you rob him of the ability to learn how to problem solve. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t help guide him in the problem solving process. How do you do that? By asking questions! By asking questions you challenge your son to come up with his own answers which is the ultimate goal and that is the essence of problem-solving.

Tip: Leading by example is a double-edged sword. If you want him to be strong, you must be strong. If you’re fearful, scared and anxious all the time, he will most likely be fearful, scared and anxious. You can’t expect your son to believe in his own ability to achieve independence, if you doubt his ability to do so.

“Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand… Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.” -Tim Allen

Results:

Only use a curriculum that works. It doesn’t matter how many fancy bells and whistles it has if it doesn’t produce the results you want. If handing him a book and telling him to read “A beginners guide to…” doesn’t work, which I don’t recommend…. don’t use it. Try different techniques, methods, approaches and activities… find the best way for him to learn. Once you find out what works, use it and reuse it. If you’re a little unsure as to what constitutes ‘good results’, it can be summed up in one word: ACTION! Why? Because action leads to Experience which is the 4th ‘E’ factor. If your son is taking action, he’s gaining valuable experience and if he’s gaining valuable experience, he’s well on his way to achieving independence. Now, if he’s not taking action don’t rush to judgement so quickly, the curriculum may not be the problem. Instead, revisit the first two ‘E’ factors, Environment and Engagement and make sure those are in-line first. If you feel you have a good handle on those, then go ahead and tweak your curriculum and see if that works. If that doesn’t work, seek a professional; someone with the knowledge and experience to help you identify the problem and get you back on track.

Tip: Poor results are not always indicative of a bad curriculum, a bad teacher, or a bad classroom. There are times, where the ownership needs to be placed squarely upon the student’s shoulders. Learning means growing and growing means changing and changing is never easy. You can’t help someone who refuses to change and is only interested in doing things their way. In cases such as these, for the welfare and betterment of your classroom (home) the only choice left is to expel the student (son), meaning he will need to leave. This is often the hardest decision for a parent to make, especially mothers who have a son who is failing to launch.

“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.” -Winston Churchill

Step by Step:

There’s an order to all things in this world and for good reason. The same can be said for learning. Learning is far more productive when done in sequential order. Truth is, many if not all skills can not be learned properly without first learning the skills that naturally precede it. Confusion and frustration are always the result of not teaching things in the right order. For example, you can’t learn calculus before learning algebra, geometry and trigonometry first. The same can be said for other skills as well. If you want to teach your son how to manage money, you don’t give him a credit card and a crash course on proper budgeting and call it good. That’s too much, too fast! Let me explain this concept another way.

Teaching step by step is like teaching your son how to ride a bike for the very first time. Would you start by buying him an adult-sized mountain bike with state of the art thumb shifters, clipless pedals, and full disk brakes and then expect he’s going to know how to ride it? Of course not! You start him off with a small bike. One that is just right for his size, with the basic one gear setup so it’s easier for him, maybe throw in some rainbow streamers for fun and then you teach him… step by step. It’s perfectly normal for there to be some hand-holding at the very beginning… that in no way means you are doing the work for him. It just means you are more involved in the teaching process at this point. As his skills improve his confidence will also, which means less and less hand-holding, until eventually he’s able to ride his bike on his own or in other words, achieve complete independence without any more assistance from Mom or Dad.

Tip: Enabling is the number one enemy to learning. Protecting your son from every hardship or obstacle that may come his way is detrimental to your son’s ability to learn, problem solve, not to mention his confidence. By all means, give him the tools to help him succeed but don’t rescue him when things get tough just for your own peace of mind. Without consequences, learning can not take place. Good teachers don’t do their student’s homework, they give them the tools, resources and support they need so they can do it themselves.

“The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man’s foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.’ –Thomas Huxley

Individualized:

You’re son is very different from you and his brothers and sisters too. Raising your son based on what has worked for you or his siblings may not be the best approach. Teach him based on your best understanding of who he really is, with his own personality traits and unique interests in mind. He’s a different person and therefore will need different instruction. Discovering your son’s primary motive, learning style and strengths will go along way in understanding what direction to take when developing a failure to launch curriculum. Of course, incorporating some hands on learning or learning by doing is always a good idea, because this is how boys learn best. Be creative, open-minded and resourceful, if he doesn’t learn well one way…try another. Practice, practice, practice!

Tip: Be careful. It can be easy for parents to confuse their own personal aspirations with their son’s, pushing their son toward a path they want for him, instead of the one he’s chosen for himself. When you push your own agenda or only teach what’s important to you, you in essence force him to bake something he doesn’t want to eat, which will only cause resistance. What do I mean by this? You as the baker (teacher) need to be sensitive to the fact that your son may not want a strawberry cake, a chocolate cake or a coffee cake but rather wants a carrot cake. Focus on the 7 staple ingredients and then let him decide what he wants to bake with them.

“But the fact is, no matter how good the teacher, how small the class, how focused on quality education the school may be none of this matters if we ignore the individual needs of our students.” -Roy Barnes

Simplistic:

Keep it Simple! A lot of talking on your end is the fastest way to complicate things. Instead, choose to listen first. Some of the most powerful lessons are taught in silence. Start with something easy and go from there. The more complex you make it, the harder it will be for him to grasp what you’re teaching and the easier it will be for you to lose focus on what’s important. A simple and practical curriculum will help you stay focused and remain flexible, which is key. The easiest lessons for us to learn as individuals are those that are relatable. This is exactly why so many of the best thinkers, philosophers and teachers that ever lived used parables to teach and with much success! Everything you teach should be something that can be easily applied, understood and relatable. It doesn’t need to be extravagant for it to work, in fact it shouldn’t be. Have you ever heard of the story behind the space pen? The story goes something like this:

In the 1960s the space race was underway and NASA astronauts complained that their pens wouldn’t work in zero gravity. As a result a highly-trained team of NASA engineers went straight to work and was able to create the wonder pen. The wonder pen worked upside down, in a vacuum, in zero gravity and even underwater, but it took months to build and came at a cost of a million dollars. During the same time, the Russian astronauts were presented with the same problem. There solution was simple: they used pencils.

Tip: Don’t try and compete with the world, you’ll just end up being frustrated and annoyed. A more productive approach is to leave the world at the front door. That means less TV, less facebook and twitter, less Xbox and Playstation and more family time. Try to eliminate any distractions. Placing healthy restrictions on phones, laptops, TV, and music will not only help you be more attuned to your kids needs, it will also help your kids be more attuned to yours.

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” -Confucius

Timely:

Why is it so important to have a flexible failure to launch curriculum? Because the perfect time to teach anything whether it be soft skills or hard skills, is always when you can practice it and apply it in real time. This approach is rarely used in today’s classrooms, especially colleges and universities, where you sit in class for a specified amount of time, listen to a lecture about something that has very little relevance to you and with no ability to apply what’s being taught in real time. Most academic institutions today expect their students to use root memorization as the primary method of remembering what is being taught in hopes the student will still be able to apply the information months or even years down the road when it becomes more applicable. Bar none, timing will be one of the most important staple ingredients in your failure to launch curriculum. This ingredient is so often overlooked because it’s not well known in today’s schools and classrooms. But why? Because the focus today is not placed on the individual needs of the student but on the collective good of the entire class. Our education system is not the only reason young men today are failing to thrive. Regardless of the reasons, one thing remains certain, young men today are not prepared to deal with life.

Tip: For those young men who tend to drag their feet, creating reasonable time frames for your son to apply what he’s being taught is extremely helpful. Remember, imparting knowledge is not the overall goal! The overall goal of any ‘failure to launch’ curriculum is to produce ACTION! If there’s no action, then there’s no learning. If you’re implementing the curriculum correctly but are still finding it hard to get your son to take action, go back and refer to Part 2: Environment, paying close attention to the 3 R’s of a healthy home.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” -Octavia Butler

The next step to help him achieve independence…

I think you know what you need to do now. It’s time to lead by example and take that first step toward helping your son achieve something he never thought he could, true independence! I challenge you to take immediate action on one of the 7 staples taught today. Remember, learning doesn’t take place without action first. Forget about developing the perfect ‘failure to launch’ curriculum for now and just take action, no matter how small it may be. By doing so, you are following the first and most important principle of P.E.R.S.I.S.T….. Practice!

A Quick Summary:

The 4 “E” factors we’ve found to be the most effective in catapulting young men to independence is Environment, Engagement, Education, and Experience. We learned the number one ingredient to receive a great education is a great teacher. We further learned that their are 7 staple ingredients needed to bake a great tasting curriculum for young men struggling with failure to launch syndrome. They are Practice, Exemplify, Results, Simplistic, Individualization, Step by Step and Timely. We also identified what the overall result should be when implementing a successful failure to launch curriculum… ACTION! The last ‘E’ factor: Experience is the direct result of implementing the first 3 ‘E’ factors correctly and it’s Experience that will lead your son to independence and ultimately a successful more meaningful life.

Supporting Articles on the Subject:

1. John Hopkins School of Education, Diversity, Learning Style and Culture by Pat Burke Guild

2. A Hoover Institution Journal, The best teachers in the world by John E Chubb

3. Building an Opportunity Culture for America’s Teachers, How America’s Best Teachers Could Close the Gaps, Raise the Bar, and Keep Our Nation Great by Bryan C. Hassel and Emily Ayscue Hassel

Coming up next week:

Next week we will be learning about dogs. That’s right, dogs! Believe it or not there are some staggering parallels between the techniques used to rehabilitate dogs and those used to rehabilitate young men. Cesar Milan, also known as ‘The Dog Whisperer’ is the best at what he does. He’s famous for taking some of worst behaving dogs and turning them into great dogs! It’s time to share some of his secrets and how they can work for you at home.

A big thank you to all our readers! We know there are a variety of different transitional living programs out there today for emerging adults and we sincerely appreciate parents like you who invest their time and energy toward improving themselves and their families. We hope you found this information to be both empowering and useful in helping your son achieve independence. Please take a moment to leave a comment or ask us a question. Thank you!

About The Author

Brook Price dedicated himself to helping others early in his life. He grew up in Sunny Orange County California, then joined the Marine Corps at the age of 21 serving five and half years as a helicopter crew chief and then as chief accountant. His journey with this type of work began when he volunteered as a Young Marines Instructor during his time in the Marines, helping kids get off the street, improve their lives and develop as a leader. After his tour Brook left the Marines to pursue a career in experiential therapy by attending Southern Utah University where he majored in outdoor recreation with a minor in psychology.

Brook has seventeen years experience working for a variety of different therapeutic and transitional programs across the nation. His thirst for knowledge drove him to learn and study successful therapeutic models and programs across the country, most notably Outward Bound. Brook has experience working with therapeutic, residential, military, wilderness and transitional programs for adults and adolescents.

You can also find me on Google+

3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 3

Posted on December 26, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Last week, in Part 2 of our series “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” we discussed the 1st and most important “E” factor which is Environment. We also talked about the 3 R’s that are crucial in creating an environment of learning and growth. In Part 3 of this series we will talk more in depth about the 2nd “E” factor, Engagement. Let’s begin by defining what engagement is. Websters dictionary defines engagement as follows: emotional involvement or commitment. Right now you’re probably thinking, “But I am emotionally involved and committed!” Take a deep breath… I know you’re emotionally involved and committed, you are in fact reading this post to try and help your son achieve independence… that sounds like someone who is emotionally involved and committed to me. Your level of engagement is not in question here… your son’s however is, so that’s where we’re going to start. So how do you get your son engaged? Let’s find out!

Engagement… what is it?

First off, we need to look at engagement as a process rather than a definition. I think we can both agree that if engagement was really as simple as just being emotionally involved and committed then things would be much different at home, right? Engagement is really a process, not simply a state of being and that’s the real difference. At Forte Strong we view engagement as a process, a process in which emotionally involved and committed people help facilitate learning and create new opportunities for growth. There’s no doubt you are emotionally involved and committed, but do you facilitate learning and create new opportunities for growth? If not, then I would argue that you’re not fully engaged in the process, which is ok… because you’re going to learn how right now!

*Engagement can be divided into 3 categories that are easy to remember and easy to implement. At Forte Strong we call these 3 categories the 3 C’s of Engagement.

The 3 C’s:

Community, Communication & Consistency

Community:

Have you heard the term “It takes a village to raise a child”? Well… it’s true. Is it possible for one person to do it on their own? Yes it is, but it’s a lot more work and the odds are stacked against you. It’s much harder to guide your son in the right direction when you are competing against the rest of the world! Engagement doesn’t just have to come from ONE source, so parents you don’t have to do this on your own. In fact, I would highly recommend you don’t do it on your own. The Lone Ranger might work well in the movies but it doesn’t work very well in the real world. It would be wise to include people you trust in the engagement process. It can be friends, mentors, extended family, neighbors, coaches, teachers, pastors, bishops, bosses and so on. Remember, you are fighting for you child’s time and attention and the older your child is… let’s say over 18 for example… the harder it will be to capture it and keep him engaged.

It’s a big world out there and parents, you have very little control over it. But don’t throw in the towel just yet, there is a place where you have a great deal of control and influence. Do you know what environment I speak of? If you read Part 2 in the “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” series than you know the answer. It’s your home! That’s exactly why creating a healthy environment within the home is #1 on our list. Outside the home is beyond your control and your scope of influence, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have other channels of influence at your disposal. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. You have friends, mentors, extended family, neighbors, coaches, teachers, pastors, bishops, bosses and so on that may be willing to lend a hand. Do you know of any good role models in your family, at work, church, school or in the neighborhood that you trust? If so, try and get them involved. Your goal is to create opportunities for your son to learn and grow. A community of positive, responsible and trustworthy individuals can help make the job easier.

Note: You’re not trying to find a therapist, you’re trying to find healthy, responsible, trustworthy, well-balanced individuals who can help keep your son engaged or in other words, people who are emotionally involved and committed to help facilitate learning and create new opportunities for growth.

Communication:

I cannot emphasize the importance of communication. Communicating effectively is so vital that without it, the battle is already over before it even begun. This battle is for your son’s time and attention and ultimately his future. Any military general will tell you, the fastest way to win a war is to take out the enemies communications and the same can be said at home. If communication doesn’t exist in the home than you’re fighting a battle that can’t be won. But wait! Before you start waiving a white flag, know that with a little guidance and some one-on-one coaching you can quickly turn this situation around for the better! At Forte Strong we help teach and coach parents how to communicate with their children in a way that creates positive change instead of resistance and resentment. Though we’ve learned that no communication can be debilitating, the inability to communicate effectively can be equally disastrous. However, I personally believe some communication, regardless of its effectiveness, is better than no communication. Though not optimum, arguments at the very least indicate both parties are trying to communicate at some level to solve a common problem. No communication on the other hand indicates a refusal to address the problem or acknowledge that it even exists. Communication is key in helping your son achieve independence, so learning how to communicate effectively is essential!

So how does one learn how to communicate effectively? The good news is that you don’t need to be a master of communication in order to use it effectively. By following these 3 basic steps you’ll begin to experience huge positive results in your life and make a huge impact on his. However, communication always involves more than one person, which is why adopting these 3 key areas will help you drastically improve your life, but it doesn’t mean you can force someone else to do the same. You can easily remember these 3 key areas by remembering the 3 T’s: Talk, Timing, and Trust.

Step 1: Talk This is by far the most important of the 3 because this is one parents often avoid because let’s face it, it can be uncomfortable at first. So what does talking mean? It means you start talking to your son on a daily basis… and that means practice, practice, practice. Talking doesn’t mean you are the one doing it, it only means that you are involved in the conversation. Talking involves both speaking and listening and they are both important.

Step 2: Timing Many parents get this one wrong because they forget to think about the other person first. If you find yourself repeatedly missing the mark on timing, go back to step 1: Talk and practice listening more than speaking. Great listeners are always better at timing than speakers because they are consistently in tune with how others are feeling and thinking and are therefore more adapt to know the best time to talk. Timing can often predict whether there’s an argument or a conversation. Trying to talk to someone while they are emotional is a bad idea, whether the emotional person is you or your son. Here are few examples of bad timing.

- Talking to someone while they are emotional.
- Talking to someone who is rushed for time (this could also be you). Don’t try to quickly jam a conversation in before heading out the door.
- Talking to someone when there’s distractions.
- Talking to someone when they just woke up or tired and sleepy, hungry, thirsty or feel ill.
- Talking to someone in the middle of them doing something important (whether or not you feel its important)
- Talking about something important over the phone, text or email.
- Talking to someone in a public place with lots of people around.

Step 3: Trust This is essential for any good, productive and positive communication to take place. Honesty and trust must first exist before any real and meaningful conversations take place. For mom’s, that means juicy details of the conversation are kept confidential between husband and wife and no one else, unless it is absolutely necessary. That means that sharing bits and pieces of the conversation with Aunt Edna and your best friends Janet and Kim is out of the question. Men are not as open and transparent about things as women are, which means you need to treat what is said as sacred. Your son is not going to tell you a thing if he can’t trust that you will treat what is said with respect. Though I believe it is good for son’s to have meaningful conversations with their Mother’s, I believe it’s far more beneficial to have a meaningful conversation with his Father.

Consistency:

It’s important that parents are consistent and firm in their message and their approach when trying to foster independence. Obviously this is not just a one time fix and you’re not going to see a marked improvement in just one day. It’s going to take some time and this is why consistency is so crucial. With over 13 years of experience I’ve come to understand that what separates parents who experience success from those who don’t is consistency. It just makes sense, parents who can be consistent experience the best results. I often compare this overlooked and under-appreciated attribute to running a long-distance marathon. Fact: Not everyone who runs a marathon ends up finishing it. This is largely due to a lack of consistency or pace.

If you are a runner you understand what I’m saying, if you’re not let me further explain. There are 3 types of marathon runners.

Runner #1: These runners walk the race and never end up finishing within the time limit (usually 6 hours). These runners represent parents who either don’t think there’s a problem or are not willing to put forth the effort to solve the problem.

Runner #2: These runners run the race too hard, don’t have the energy to keep going and eventually burn out. These runners represent parents who put forth a lot of effort, using an approach that doesn’t work and eventually burn out.

Runner #3: These runners have been coached or taught to pace themselves at a speed that is neither too slow nor too fast and finish the entire 26.2 miles. These runners represent parents who consistently use an approach that works with a large support network. Just remember this rhyme: Winners run their race at a healthy pace!

Now ask yourself, which runner are you? Most parents fall into the category of Runner #2… they invest a lot of time and energy using an approach that doesn’t work and are eventually left feeling burned out and hopeless. How do you prevent Burn Out? Simple! By implementing the first two “C’s” correctly! Step 1: Community! Remember, it takes a village to raise a child so recruit some extra help! It’s much easier to maintain consistency if you’re not carrying the full weight on your shoulders. Step 2: Communicate with your son and learn how to do it effectively! We’ve helped hundreds of parents that have been in your exact situation. If you’re committed to winning this race, which I know you are, please call us today and let us help you help your son.

A Quick Summary:

The 4 “E” factors that we’ve found to be the most effective in catapulting young men to independence is Environment, Engagement, Education, and Experience. We feel the 2nd most important factor out of the 4 is Engagement. We learned that Engagement is a process not simply a state of being: committed and emotionally involved. We further learned that the process of engagement is most effective when approached utilizing the 3 C’s: Community, Communication and Consistency.

Coming up:

Next week we will be learning about the 3rd ‘E’ factor that will help your son achieve independence… Education! So stay tuned!

A thank you to all our readers! We know there are a variety of different programs and approaches out there today for emerging adulthood and we sincerely appreciate parents like you who invest their time and energy toward improving themselves and their families. We hope you found this information to be both empowering and useful to help your son achieve independence. Please take a second to leave a comment below. Thank you!

About The Author

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3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 2

Posted on November 29, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Last week, in Part 1 of our series “3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence” we identified what it means to be truly independent. We also dispelled the myth that independence is merely having a job, going to school and making money. In Part 2 of this series we will talk in depth about what parents can do to help their son who might be struggling with failure to launch to achieve independence fast and the best part is… it all begins at home.

Achieving Independence: It Begins at Home

So, it’s time for your son to move out of the house! This doesn’t mean you need to kick him to the curb with a suitcase and a bag lunch… though this is an option. Another option and one we recommend you try first, is to make some healthy changes at home. This could include implementing new rules and setting new boundaries within the home thus creating a new environment, one essential for learning. These new rules and boundaries can be set up in such a way as to stimulate, encourage and empower your son to venture out and take action. If you don’t witness a change at home within a few weeks, it might mean the environment hasn’t changed. Here are three explanations for why this may occur. Not implementing the right rules, not setting the proper boundaries or both. Later in this post we discuss in more detail the 3 things you can do to drastically change the environment in your home for the better, but for now let’s get back to how you can help your son achieve independence.

Using the 4 “E” Factors to Achieve Independence

At Forte Strong we have found that there are 4 key or “E” factors that need to be set in place for young men to learn, grow and ultimately achieve independence. We’ve also found that parents experience more success when they address each “E” factor in the order that is listed. Though all 4 factors are listed, we’ll only address the first 3 in this series for this simple reason… the first 3 “E” factors are the only factors within your (parents) direct scope of influence, the 4th factor is not and is your son’s responsibility, not yours. These 4 key factors, in order of priority, are as follows:

What you (parents) should be responsible for providing in the home:

#1 Environment: Safe and structured setting (home) where learning can take place.

#2 Engagement: People (parents) who help facilitate the learning process and create opportunities for change.

#3 Education: Lessons (teaching moments) that are taught within the right environment using the right engagement.

What your son is responsible for providing:

#4 Experience: What is gained and learned after applying what has been taught.

Since Environment is first on the list and by far the most important in our minds, I’m going to devote this post in its entirety to the subject and expound on it in further detail. Each subsequent post (Part 3 & 4) will discuss the remaining “E” factors.

As stated above, a healthy environment is where learning can take place. This could be at school, home, on the basketball court or essentially anywhere, however we are going to focus on the most important learning environment in existence today… the home. Why are we focusing all our attention on the home? You got it… because the home is the only place where you as a parent have the greatest scope of influence on your son. That’s why it’s ranked #1 on our list. With that said, it’s imperative that your home mirror an environment of learning for progress to be made. What do I mean by this? I mean your home should emulate the same fundamental characteristics found at any prestigious learning institution. If such characteristics don’t exist, how can you expect your son to learn and more importantly grow?

A Quick Summary

The 4 “E” factors that we’ve found to be the most effective in catapulting young men to independence is Environment, Engagement, Education, and Experience. We feel the most important of these factors is Environment.

A thank you to all our readers! We know there are a variety of different programs and approaches out there today for struggling young adults and we sincerely appreciate parents like you who invest their time and energy toward improving themselves and their families. We hope you found this information to be both empowering and useful to help your son achieve independence. Please take a minute to leave a comment below and let us know your thoughts.

About The Author

You can also find me on Google+

3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence: Part 1

Posted on November 16, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

In this day and age parents often find themselves at a total loss as to how to help their son achieve independence. In fact most Americans today measure independence in terms of financial security. Let us begin this discussion of achieving independence by clearly defining what it means to be ‘independent’. Is independence about owning or having things like a job, a car and money or does it represent specific steps toward adulthood like moving out of the house and paying bills? Though both of the above mentioned items are associated with independence, by no means does it define it. Over the years it has become increasingly more apparent to me that this sacred word is beginning to lose its true meaning and as a result its inherent value has been greatly diminished. I believe this epidemic of young Americans who are choosing to move back home to escape the woes of life will only worsen as society slips further and further away from the true meaning of independence. More and more frequently ‘independence’ is seen as an achievement or a milestone rather than what it truly represents… skill.

That’s correct, ‘independence’ at its core is a set of skills first and foremost. It’s in learning, applying and understanding these skills that we become more powerful and more capable of navigating through the storms of life that would otherwise blow us off course or sink us. The two most important and crucial skills of all are ‘problem-solving’ and ‘resiliency’. Being independent is more than dollar bills or even paying bills. It’s about being able to find a way when known exists (problem-solving) and having the ability to get back up after you get knocked down (resiliency). The sooner parents can begin to see independence for what it truly is (a set of skills) the faster parents can regain control of their situation, take appropriate action and help empower their son.

This deep shift in how our current culture views and perceives independence (moving out, attending college, being employed, paying bills, etc) has caused many parents to become confused as to what went wrong with their son. Parents begin to wonder how their son could have ever fallen off course so drastically when he seemed to show all the signs of an independent young man after moving out, attending school or finding a job only to return home a few months later.

As parents you are fully aware of what lies ahead for your children who are trying to find their place in life. We are fully aware of the curves, corners, ups, downs, zig-zags and the myriad of unknowns that are always present these days. What we are not aware of is that our children are not as prepared as we might think and are not yet ready to meet these problems, obstacles, set-backs, and threats head on because they don’t possess the skills to do so. Instead these young adults retreat to the safe harbors of home, vowing never to venture out into the open ocean ever again. If your son has a job, has money, and can pay his own bills but doesn’t know how to adequately problem-solve or does not possess even a small measure of resiliency, then he is unprepared for the rigors of what lies ahead and therefore should not be considered as being independent. The above mentioned situation may depict an independent young man, but below the surface we begin to see the situation for what it really is, a dependent young man merely living an independent lifestyle.

I hope this post has given you new perspective on what it means to be truly independent. In my next post we will explore 3 techniques you can use to help your son achieve independence. Tune in next week for Part 2 of our series 3 Ways to Help Your Son Achieve Independence or better yet, subscribe to our weekly posts to receive informative and relevant tips on how to help and empower your son to achieve independence.

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Learn to Earn! Focus on Career Specific Goals

Posted on September 21, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Many a struggling young adult has been confused about defining a career path. There are so many career choices out there, how can a young adult focus on getting into the industry that excites them and allows them to make a living doing what they love? The truth is, the earlier one can start on their career path, the better. Is it ever too late? No. But having the right approach can make a big difference.

Learn to Earn: More than knowledge, it takes action

A recent study conducted by the Morrison Institute for Public Policy suggests that the earlier youth can define what they want to do, the more likely they are to become successful in their desired field. For example, a high school diploma used to be the standard level of application required to start at a company like Intel, but now, if you don’t have at least two years of post secondary education, you’re not likely to get your foot in the door. Knowing how times have changed and the job requirements needed for a specific career field can help youth get into the right places at the right times. But it takes more than just knowledge and know-how to get the job of your dreams… it takes action!

Learn to Earn: It all begins at home

If your son already has job but can’t seem to But you may be asking yourself, “But my son doesn’t take action with much of anything except for playing video games!” This rings true for many parents who have a young man at home who is struggling with failure to launch. So how do you get your unmotivated and complacent son to take action? First and foremost you must… let me repeat myself… must change the environment. To learn more about how to change the environment at home to foster change, read Independence: It Begins at Home. Once the environment has changed, whether at home or abroad, your son will begin to take action and once he takes action, it’s important he be given the right guidance through consistent and positive (male) modeling and plenty of opportunities to practice, practice, practice.

Learn to Earn: Get him involved in the process

At Forte Strong we practice the fundamentals of successful modeling every day, coaching our young men with a ‘can-do’ mentality while providing them with unique opportunities to practice what they see and learn. In essence, we teach by doing. With that said, it’s imperative that young men have positive male role models and mentors to model after. Dads, you can help your son by getting involved in the process. If your son is struggling to get a job, find out what he knows and what he doesn’t. If he doesn’t know how to get a job application, show him. Get in the car and go get one and have him watch you do it. Show him how easy it is and make it fun. You’ll be surprised at the impact such a small act can make. Not only are you modeling how to get a job but you are modeling what it means to be a Dad. I can’t emphasize enough how important modeling is for parents. It’s an extremely powerful tool for change if used correctly.

Learn to Earn: Let your purpose guide you

Studies consistently show that when a person outlines their career goals, their focus narrows and they are more likely to become successful in their career AND thus more likely to continue to set benchmarks and high goals that they’ll want to continue to achieve. For some young men, knowledge and experience is not the main problem but rather a lack of ‘purpose.’ This is where Forte Strong really shines! We’re able to connect their academic studies with each of their personal strengths (Confidence Resume™) and then help them apply this powerful combination toward “real life” applications. We help these young men figure out what they want to do, why they want to do it and what actions they need to take to propel them forward. They key is to help these young men discover a career that is inline with their purpose. Our goal is to give our students the most opportunities to succeed in an environment built upon choice, challenge and most of all purpose. Isn’t it about time your son Learn to Earn?

Best,

The Forte Strong Family

About The Author

Achieve Independence: How do I get started?

Posted on June 19, 2012July 29, 2026 by Matthew Arrington

Many of the young men we coach have a strong desire to achieve independence but don’t know where to start. They’re unsatisfied with life and they understand that where they are at now is not where they want to be. They might have an objective in mind but they don’t know where to start. This can stem from insecurity of not wanting to make a mistake, uncertainty over where to start or even stagnation because of the amount of work involved in meeting that objective or goal. No matter what the reason, a strong support network is crucial to helping these young men spring back and get back into the game of life.

Support is crucial to long-term change

How helpful is it to have the proper support when one is reaching a goal or objective? Unconditional support is absolutely necessary to a struggling young adult’s success, and that is exactly what we at Forte Strong provide. Support when a day is hard, when things get confusing, when there is doubt and unsurity. Support and confidence that one has the capability to make things happen for themselves, support and guidance on how to go about doing something that one has never attempted or accomplished before. Having support (much like a guarantee or warranty when purchasing something) is comforting and is crucial in the learning process.

Make some mistakes and gain valuable experience

Mistakes actually need to be made so that objectives can be rethought, refined and refocused. Without mistakes there is no growth. How did you learn to walk or ride a bicycle or pretty much do anything in life? Exactly… through mistakes. Making mistakes is a part of life, and making a mistake by no means equals failure which we talk about in more detail in our post titled, Lets make some mistakes! Parents, if you look at mistakes as something that should be avoided or frowned upon then your son is going to do just that avoid them.

Take the first step and the rest will follow

The main thing that we coach our students on at Forte Strong is to simply take the first step. We call it the mountain principle, which you may have heard before. To answer the question, “How do you climb a mountain?” The answer is simple. One step at a time. 99% of the time the hardest part of the journey is taking that first step. Its very rewarding to see our students who are hesitant, take that first step and then realize, much to their surprise, how easy it was! It makes the rest of the journey not seem so daunting and insurmountable. The first step often turns into a few more steps which then turns into momentum, the ultimate goal! Momentum is where change, growth and progress happen at a more accelerated and long-term pace which is exactly where you want your son to be. Although this ideology might seem a bit basic, it is solid advice. The most important thing is that you’re moving forward.

Quick Summary

So the next time you look at that ever-so-scary mountain lying ahead of you, replace fear with confidence. Take one step, look back at your support team, and take that next step! With the right guidance, in the right environment, with the right support your son can achieve independence and so much more. It always starts with that first step.

-The Forte Strong Family